Words + Dreams

Are you crazy? Yann Martel, in Life of Pi,says, “All living things contain a measure of madness that moves them in strange, sometimes inexplicable ways.”

If that’s the truth, then we’re all just a bit crazy, some of us obviously more than others. So, the next question is, how crazy are you?

Well, let’s see. We can design a test that will tell us just how crazy we are. Are you brave enough to take it?

Questions that may let you know how crazy you are

1. You decide to go on a diet while going through McDonald’s drive-through—for the twelfth time this month

2. You decide to get married because it seems right

3. You decide to get married for a second time

4. You forget your spouse’s birthday—year after year

5. You think the government is out to get you (unless they are out to get you, in which case, you’re not crazy at all, just cautious…probably)

6. You think that ice cream is a health food

7. You think that hamburgers are good for you because they do, after all, contain protein

8. You drink twelve Diet Cokes a day

9. You believe what politicians tell you in an election year

10. You believe what politicians tell you anytime because they are, after all, only there to help you

11. You think that cities need bigger ballparks rather than bigger libraries

12. You will eat a cookie with ten ingredients in it

13. You buy a one-year-old car with a new paint job without considering it may have been in an accident…or a flood…or buried in a snowbank

14. You keep going out with the kind of people your mother warned you about

15. You are really, really sure that the Centers for Disease Control is out to get you

16. You think reading is a waste of time but will spend hours in front of a TV set watching reruns of old sit-coms

17. You watch the Cooking Channel while eating take-out fried chicken

18. You believe that exercise is bad for you because muscles weren’t made to work that hard

19. You keep going to a restaurant that made you sick once because they have two-for-one days

20. You refuse to buy clothes in the correct size because if they’re too small it will be good incentive to lose all that weight you’ve been really, really wanting to lose for years

21. You look for old boyfriends or girlfriends online

22. You think your kids actually listen to every word you say

23. You think your spouse actually listens to every word you say

24. You think that anyone actually listens to every word you say

25. You think that having kids and pit bulls in the same house is a good idea

26. You work on your own car

27. You work on your own computer

28. You think that your kids will like the same music you do

29. You keep switching cell phone companies and plans looking to find the perfect one (cheapest)

30. You talk on your cell phone while standing in a line, driving a car, at a restaurant, while buying something, waiting in a doctor’s office, etc., etc., etc.

31. You have a cell phone, a sat phone, three e-mail addresses, and a website—and you’re sixteen years old

32. You’re sure Elvis is still alive

33. Every year, you take a vacation, and wherever you go on this vacation, you look for Elvis

34. You’re absolutely positive that you’ve seen Elvis at least three times (twice at a Denny’s Restaurant and once at the County Fair eating cotton candy)

35. You bought a car that the seller told you was once owned by a film star (but wouldn’t tell you the name of the star)

36. You buy a new cell phone every six months because, “Well, gee! It works better than the other one, which was so old! I can’t believe you didn’t know that! And this one has different colors you can put on the face and everything!”

37. You refuse to get a cell phone and then have to look for hours for a payphone every day, which are pretty much nonexistent these days

38. You live in a family where your wife texts you, you call her cell phone on your cell phone to discuss who’s picking up which kid (oh, wait, that’s my family—never mind)

And there you have it, thirty-eight definitive ways to help you determine if you are crazy. You can score it yourself, any way you like. I thought about taking it myself (and since I wrote it, I figured I had a pretty good chance of coming out okay). But then I decided not to; after all, why push one’s luck?

It’s only sanity…